It originally started as Shifting Piles then diversified into various subject-specific blogs under AndyLien.com as an umbrella.  I thought it would be a good move to make it seem like a cohesive website with multiple pages–each with its own blog–but it really just diluted everything.  By spreading it out, it got really ugly on the back end.  Convoluted.  Daunting.

So, now it’s all living together again on one page…and, finally, with me.  It’s no longer hosted on WordPress, but on my own server.

Mine, mine, mine.

Please make the move with me and update your bookmarks.  I appreciate your readership so…and I promise to never change my domain name again.  Even if I should marry a Rockefeller or someone with a fantastic last name that would go perfectly with “Andy,” I will keep the blog at www.andylien.com so as to never make you do this again.

Yours,

Andy

There has recently appeared an application on Facebook called My Year in Status.  It takes all of a person’s Facebook Status Updates for 2009 and compiles a random selection of them into a pretty graphic.  Apparently, I was wordy in 2009.  I tried to get it to work for me multiple times…each attempt ending in a frozen computer.  So, I switched computers and ended up with one really lame compilation.  Okay, okay.  To say that it was a lame compilation means that I had lame updates from which to pull–which is the truth. Giving up on a collage, I opted to export ALL of my updates from the beginning of my time on Facebook in August of 2008 to read through them as if they comprised my autobiography.

does not want to go to work today. But will.
December 1, 2008 at 8:47am

is unhappy with server glitches.
December 1, 2008 at 10:30am

wants to listen to the same song over and over…so enough with the guff.
December 1, 2008 at 1:02pm

will be spending quality time on a heating pad tonight with her knees up. Sounds funner than it’ll actually be.
December 1, 2008 at 5:03pm

loves her new heating pad. And Mark Ruffalo.
December 1, 2008 at 8:36pm

is still on a heating pad.
December 2, 2008 at 7:38am

is down for the count.
December 2, 2008 at 11:18am

is working via Crackberry.
December 2, 2008 at 2:07pm

is better. Thanks.
December 2, 2008 at 5:58pm

wants a new back.
December 3, 2008 at 9:27am

is ready for the day to be done.
December 3, 2008 at 9:41pm

is going to have a good day.
December 4, 2008 at 7:52am

is sitting in a more ergonomically correct chair than her usual. She misses her usual.
December 4, 2008 at 10:35am

is rocking her day.
December 4, 2008 at 1:29pm

had a wonderful day at work, a delicious dinner with Sherry, a freezing walk with Grendel…and continues the fun by taking on a pile of laundry.
December 4, 2008 at 8:09pm

doesn’t really understand while she’ll watch a movie on cable that SHE OWNS ON DVD but not pop in the commercial-less version. Again and again.
December 4, 2008 at 8:43pm

should’ve gotten decaf at Starbucks…six hours ago. Guess it makes for good MOH dress shopping time.
December 4, 2008 at 11:30pm

wishes her upstairs neighbors would keep normal sleeping hours…or, at least switch the hub of apartment activity to the living room (not above Sleeping Andy).
December 5, 2008 at 9:17am

just went through her email contacts and found way too many “Ghosts of First Dates Past.” Wow. That was eye-opening.
December 5, 2008 at 10:33am

is looking forward to an artful weekend. Too bad it won’t start for another few hours.
December 5, 2008 at 2:48pm

has been inundated with emails. Yay!
December 5, 2008 at 3:35pm

says: 4WD is the way to “Drive Minnesota” but don’t attempt parking in your underground parking spot with it on. Things tend to run amok.
December 5, 2008 at 9:52pm

had a wonderful day with her mom…getting her dolled up at MAC, going to see the Eero Saarinen exhibit, and hitting Mom’s Mecca (Hopkins Goodwill).
December 6, 2008 at 6:17pm

is bundling up to walk Grendel in the snow…he loves bounding in it like a bunny.
December 7, 2008 at 10:11am

is hanging with her new boyfriend, Cyberbass.com.
December 7, 2008 at 4:16pm

is off to the second-to-last Messiah rehearsal.
December 7, 2008 at 5:50pm

had a lovely winter evening…Handel then taking the long way home to listen to Christmas songs and enjoy the lights of South Minneapolis. Beauty.
December 7, 2008 at 10:21pm

is “Unused concept for the Rolling Stone’s ‘Voodoo Lounge,’ Virgin Records, Los Angeles, CA. Art Director, Len Peltier; designer, Chip Kidd.”
December 8, 2008 at 9:28am

hates the picture. Game on.
December 8, 2008 at 12:52pm

‘s Facebook hasn’t refreshed since 11:32AM. Grr.
December 8, 2008 at 4:26pm

and Grendel are snowy, happy people.
December 8, 2008 at 6:33pm

is matching socks…the ones Grendel hasn’t hidden in his bed.
December 8, 2008 at 10:32pm

is dawdling. Again. She can’t seem to get it in her head that she can’t wake up at 7:45, walk Grendel in the snow, check Facebook, AND get to work by 9:00.
December 9, 2008 at 8:29am

says, “If you know I’m trying to concentrate on drafting an emergency marketing strategy for your ailing company, do not bug me to make you copies.”
December 9, 2008 at 10:17am

slam-dunked today and is now trying to freelance a bit before her 3-hour rehearsal tonight. Just.Keep.Going.
December 9, 2008 at 4:47pm

is “Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. That’s what I’m talking about.”
December 9, 2008 at 10:17pm

is listening to an audiobook that she stole from Carson’s iTunes a couple years ago.
December 10, 2008 at 8:11am

has been spotted.
December 10, 2008 at 9:23am

made Grendel an appointment at Shampooch–they fit him in tomorrow. So long, lovely locks. Hello, hiney.
December 10, 2008 at 9:09pm

is dangerously close to dawdling, but may not succumb.
December 11, 2008 at 8:14am

is tinkering with websites. Yes, multiple ones. Danger.
December 11, 2008 at 10:36am

feels guilty for pushing Grendel’s butt into the bowels of Shampooch as the groomer pulled him by the leash. Poor, sensitive guy…he’s gonna have a hate on.
December 11, 2008 at 3:19pm

is happy with the status quo.
December 11, 2008 at 5:58pm

has too much to do for a Friday.
December 12, 2008 at 9:08am

thinks the people behind the BK Whopper Virgins campaign should read more Pollan…and learn how the Western Diet KILLS PEOPLE. Leave them be!
December 12, 2008 at 12:20pm

and Grendel will be spending the weekend with Danny in St. Paul.
December 12, 2008 at 2:21pm

is packing up DVDs for a weekend with two dogs in a house without cable.
December 12, 2008 at 6:29pm

needs to give Grendel a middle name so she can use it when she’s mad at him. Suggestions?
December 12, 2008 at 7:44pm

is home for a moment…prepping for her first performance in too long.
December 13, 2008 at 4:16pm

thinks the harpsichord is hella sexy.
December 13, 2008 at 11:35pm

wonders what this day of weather is going to bring.
December 14, 2008 at 8:51am

is donning her Mac choir gown for today’s performance. No, she didn’t steal it. She kept it. Big difference. Caroling, anyone?
December 14, 2008 at 1:43pm

made it home safely and hopes the dear souls who slipped in and out of the back row tonight have, too. It meant so much to her to see them there.
December 14, 2008 at 7:16pm

loves her down comforter.
December 15, 2008 at 9:21am

is so very hopeful to be rid of the albatross.
December 15, 2008 at 2:07pm

is no longer corporately hopeful. Call in the big guns, please.
December 15, 2008 at 8:45pm

is thinking Chinese from Wang’s. Hardly good Sesame Chicken, but oh-so-convenient.
December 16, 2008 at 4:23pm

is not going to venture from Minnetonka to St. Paul for the Mac Young Alum Happy Hour tonight–safety first.
December 16, 2008 at 5:18pm

had a lovely morning carrying around her 44-pound dog outside. Too cold for those little paws.
December 17, 2008 at 9:16am

cannot see past the piles on her desk.
December 17, 2008 at 11:13am

just got the strangest mobile phone message from a woman in Chicago who wanted to make installment payments for some 2009 Year of the Ox thing. Queer.
December 17, 2008 at 11:40am

is sorely behind in her Christmas Shopping.
December 17, 2008 at 5:21pm

is worried; Grendel–when up to his chest–is wheezing. Do any of you dog owners have advice?
December 17, 2008 at 9:06pm

wonders if compiling a year’s worth of status updates constitutes an autobiography.
December 18, 2008 at 8:11am

just learned that nearly half of our client list had money with Madoff. All of Minnesota is going to feel this.
December 18, 2008 at 11:56am

‘s office has now received 3 cheesecakes, 1 chocolate cake, a crate of peanut brittle, countless gift baskets and popcorn tins, and one edible arrangement. Wow.
December 18, 2008 at 1:57pm

is gonna do a little apartment cleaning tonight…her excitement is overwhelming.
December 18, 2008 at 5:10pm

is skipping the cleaning and will watch Iron Man instead. Tough decision.
December 18, 2008 at 7:31pm

needs to get some more Christmas Lists or people (young and old) may get coal.
December 19, 2008 at 9:13am

‘s power is out at the office so it’s time for filing. Grr.
December 19, 2008 at 1:33pm

‘s power is back on, but she’d better finish filing. May as well clean the desk…procrastinate the real business at hand.
December 19, 2008 at 2:02pm

just finished a bunch of uninteresting tasks. Phew.
December 19, 2008 at 4:16pm

is amused; apparently when the apartment lost power today, Grendel lost MPR…but the iPod turned on an audiobook for him. Heh.
December 19, 2008 at 6:03pm

is menu planning…going between perusing her Cooking Light collection, her library of church cookbooks, and her latest: A Finnish cookbook. Yum.
December 20, 2008 at 12:14am

had so much fun playing in the snow but is really not interested in venturing out in it…gifts from the internet for all!
December 20, 2008 at 11:00am

just found her first gray hair and isn’t necessarily even upset about it. ‘Nuff said.
December 20, 2008 at 1:01pm

lied. She’s upset about the gray hair. Now, she’s going to try to throw herself into the Christmas fray and enjoy other peoples’ kids without a hint of bitter.
December 20, 2008 at 1:31pm

, to paraphrase Our Gang when they found the mule in the clubhouse, says, “Andrea, this is no place for you.” Neither was Hwy 100. Ugh.
December 20, 2008 at 6:32pm

is watching The Wizard of Oz and admiring a time before boobjobs. Amen.
December 20, 2008 at 7:43pm

will just play with the dog in the snow until morning. Or, whatever happens first: Morning or Boredom or Windchill. Methinks: Windchill.
December 20, 2008 at 10:28pm

is going nowhere today.
December 21, 2008 at 10:26am

wishes her work week was 2.5 days shorter so she could just crawl back into bed.
December 22, 2008 at 8:20am

is trying to live through the apocalypse of the office phone system. The end is near.
December 22, 2008 at 12:59pm

is amazed how she always runs into the same client at the grocery store…but a different grocery store each of the three times.
December 22, 2008 at 6:57pm

is going to re-purpose some old wallpaper books at the office for wrapping gifts. Cheap, green, and gorgeous.
December 22, 2008 at 7:33pm

is calling it a day. One big task down…only a mountain of them left to go.
December 22, 2008 at 10:48pm

had over eight glorious hours of sleep. Neener neener.
December 23, 2008 at 7:36am

is wondering who else will be at the 4:30 Christmas Eve service at Gethsemane…the Little Liens will be, she knows that! .
December 23, 2008 at 9:20am

gets to go shopping for five–count ‘em, five–more people tonight.
December 23, 2008 at 4:14pm

is dying a painful death at the Ridgedale Target.
December 23, 2008 at 7:34pm

is watching “White Christmas” and wrapping presents with wallpaper.
December 23, 2008 at 8:44pm

is breakfasting on leftovers that she doesn’t want left in the fridge for five days…then off to work!
December 24, 2008 at 8:14am

found MOVIES on the floppies. They’ll have to wait until after Christmas…what a trip.
December 24, 2008 at 10:36am

is stopping for 3 more gift bags, going home to pack up a shopping cart-then-Jeep with luggage, gifts, and dog…then heading out to Cokato. Merry Christmas!
December 24, 2008 at 11:52am

is all about Merry Christmas, meltdowns, and “Mamma Mia” this morning.
December 25, 2008 at 11:33am

is about to participate in the family carol sing-along around the piano in Mahtomedi. Bliss.
December 25, 2008 at 7:17pm

is going to meet the gals for breakfast at Hojie’s in Dassel.
December 26, 2008 at 9:24am

is making Finnish Tarts with Mom.
December 26, 2008 at 3:35pm

is heading to “Christmas 2008, Act Three, Rural Park Rapids” after which she will exuent the season.
December 27, 2008 at 9:12am

is back in Cokato after a wonderful day with family up north. Incidentally, she hasn’t touched a computer since Wednesday afternoon. Ahh.
December 27, 2008 at 9:28pm

is concepting the companies’ New Year’s greetings while gazing down upon a frozen Cokato Lake. She’ll have to turn the concept into a design at work tomorrow.
December 28, 2008 at 12:46pm

and Grendel, the nomads, will be staying in St. Paul tonight. Long story.
December 28, 2008 at 6:44pm

is now back online and going through scads and scads of holiday photos taken on her NEW FABULOUS CAMERA (thanks Mom, Dad, Erik, and Cris!).
December 28, 2008 at 8:22pm

is glad that her sister-in-law called at 6:37…the mobile phone alarm didn’t go off. Now, the electrician may surprise her, but not wake her up.
December 29, 2008 at 7:20am

is at work, after finding out the hard way that the borrowed lid to the borrowed travel mug didn’t fit quite tightly enough.
December 29, 2008 at 10:33am

has swapped out Christmas music for Belle & Sebastian.
December 29, 2008 at 2:15pm

just made an appointment to tour Anytime Fitness tomorrow night…while munching on sour cream and onion potato chips.
December 29, 2008 at 5:05pm

had a lovely time with Rachel and Sherry. Way overdue.
December 29, 2008 at 10:17pm

is so happy to sleep in her own bed for the first time since last Tuesday.
December 29, 2008 at 11:09pm

loved sleeping in her own bed so much that she did it for too long. Darned down comforter.
December 30, 2008 at 8:15am

has pulled the space heater out from under her desk and is now blasting it in her face. The next person who opens the front door will be taken out.
December 30, 2008 at 1:28pm

is now a key-toting member of Anytime Fitness. Rawr. (And, she’s actually going to workout. Tonight. Not just tote the key and call it good.)
December 30, 2008 at 7:23pm

is hoping that insomnia does not accompany nighttime workouts as a general rule. Blech.
December 31, 2008 at 8:19am

thinks she’s got a concept that’ll work. Next, she’ll try to make it happen…then she’ll suffer designer’s remorse…then she’ll have lunch. It’s a process.
December 31, 2008 at 9:20am

‘s office is apparently emptying out early this afternoon. She will, too.
December 31, 2008 at 1:07pm

is curled up with Grendel on the couch. May 2009 be all that it is hoped to be.
December 31, 2008 at 7:03pm

said goodbye to someone.
December 31, 2008 at 10:37pm

I could fill in the blanks a bit with the comments left after each of the updates, but it’s a little more interesting to me to read what I first put out there as my Facebook Representative.  Never mistake me–none of my updates are what could be considered “haphazard.”  And, some of them have been a little too revealing, caustic, raw, or random for even my liking.  But, out there they were.

Starting off at the beginning of December, I can remember my back being so injured that I couldn’t sit for long periods of time.  It’s one of the many reasons I’m back to losing weight–enough with the back problems.  I did notice, though, that later in the month I mentioned how I was carrying my 44-pound dog around outside because his little paw-paws were freezing.  I am nothing if not stupid sometimes.

Things were starting to unravel at the office due to the economy and some iffy business decisions.  Family was enjoyed and I did my usual nomadic schtick that only a singleton can do around the holidays…even ending up at my brother and sister-in-law’s house overnight due to an electrical emergency while they were out of state. I was able to enjoy all members of my extended family and celebrated my own version of “Four Christmases.”  I baked.  I sang.  I cursed the weather that kept people away from my performances of “The Messiah.”  I took things personally when I shouldn’t have.

I feel a little ill when I read the last one.  I clench up.  I can’t swallow.  A short-lived relationship.  I will never be yelled at by a man.  I said goodbye.

Behind the curtain, there was joy, pain, happiness, fear, and hope.  I went mall walking and to my therapy appointments.  I dawdled out of denial.  I enjoyed my companion, Grendel, oh so much.  I tried to control the minutiae.  I grappled with feelings of self-worth.  I was terribly lonesome.

Comparing last December to this December, I am only pleased.  I haven’t done the big Status Update export for December of 2009, yet, but I know from my perspective from behind the curtain that life has been good.  My Status Updates for 2009 probably aren’t all that different from those listed above, made a year prior.  From a public perspective, I still spent December trying to improve my health, working on design projects, cooking, enjoying art, seeing people, tormenting my dog, wrapping gifts, watching movies, and going to the Christmas Eve service at Gethsemane Lutheran Church in Dassel, Minnesota.  This year, it’s what is different behind the curtain that counts.  Everything is different.  Better.  Sure, I may not have a job and my future may be part of the Bone Chilling Unknown, but I’m much better prepared to handle it than I was at this time last year.

Thank heavens.

I could write a novel explaining why Christmas is an unhappy season for people who do not want to be singletons, but are.  What would be the point?  Perhaps I would have a special spin on why it’s worse for me?  You probably don’t know how badly I’ve wanted to sing “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?” to someone special.  Obviously, you can’t imagine what it’s like to do anything by yourself, let alone at Christmas.

Right.

Wrong.

I know you know what I’m saying.  I know you can fathom and empathize with someone who would rather be in a loving relationship with someone of her choosing than utterly A-L-O-N-E.  And I hope you can see how I’m trying to tightrope walk between pain and laughter.

One of the mental blocks I’ve struggled with is believing I can do things on my own.  That being alone is okay.  Though I’d rather have a companion for my adventures, I have to give myself a pep talk that I can have them without anyone else.  Italy isn’t only for lovers.  Dogs are owned by single people.  And, Christmas can be celebrated alone.  To believe such things, I have to reframe.  I have to believe that life is enjoyable at a Table for One.  And, on the flipside, I have to know that life isn’t a bowl full of cherries when someone is in a relationship with someone else.

So, I have to look at my life right now and ask myself how I might be able to enjoy it.

And, at this time, I will enjoy life most by celebrating Christmas…not just observing it, but celebrating it.

In past years, I’ve talked myself out of doing much decorating for the holidays.  I can really relate to a friend who heart-pangingly quoted someone else on his blog, “‘I want to get my next Christmas tree with you.’”  I’ve had a fake baby Christmas tree that was a delightful little beacon in my window when I lived in Uptown.  I’ve said to myself that I can get a real tree when I’m dating someone…as if I don’t count until then.  As if my life is just waiting for a relationship in order to enjoy it.  As if I can’t have a tree (or a life) as a singleton.

What a warped reality.

This year, with my vaulted ceilings that I can no longer afford, I resolved to get myself a real tree of a real height for my real life.

And I would be really happy about it.

I working on it.  And I’m trying not to use the “F” word every time I say to myself that I’m going to get my own #%&*! tree this year.  Sometimes, it’s only “damn.”

So, I did it.  I got my own damn tree last Saturday.

I thought about where it’d go (next to the fireplace in the living room).  I thought about what I’d need for it (a stand, some lights, some decorations, and a tree skirt).  I thought about where and when I’d get it (the lot across from my old office…the one that I thought was run by cheap Boy Scouts).

I cleaned my apartment and moved a few pieces of furniture.  Grendel started getting a little nervous.  Unlike me, he hates change.

I thought about decorations.  Sigh.  When my brother got married just months out of college 12 years ago, my mother gave him his childhood Christmas ornaments to hang on his own tree with his new wife.  Being single, my childhood Christmas ornaments still hang on my parents’ tree and I get visitation rights.  Ugh.  Getting a tree wasn’t all I had to worry about.  I didn’t have ornaments for a tree.  How can I be a responsible Christmas tree owner without ornaments?!?  My tree already had a broken home in my imagination.

Oh, Spiral of Self-Pity, let’s go take a long nap together.

So, I sucked it up and went out to buy some Christmas tree ornaments.  I was going to have a styling tree.  I was going to do it right.  I wasn’t going to do mine with tacky mismatched “Baby’s First Christmas” ornaments that bounce when I accidentally drop them (because they knew I couldn’t be trusted with breakables).  I would have an adult tree.

With glass balls on the brain, I went shopping.  And, luckily, they were all on sale at Michael’s:  White lights, white and pink balls, poinsettias, and gold bead garland.   Fancy.

Great.  I had the decorations, now for the tree.

Woe is me…how would I, such a feeble woman, go fetch my own tree?  My fairer sex isn’t made out for such brutal activities.  Forget that I drive a Jeep and am 5′ 10″ tall.  I’m still dainty.  Okay?

I looked at the ads…I could go to Menard’s to get a tree.  They’re on sale.  Or, I could go to a tree farm like I did back when I lived with people.  Ugh…for some reason, I could mentally handle going solo to a yard to pick out a cut tree; I could not wrap my brain around going to a tree farm to cut down a tree and load it atop the Jeep by myself.  Solid decision-making on my part.  I was wondering if I’d need to find a saw to cut off the end of my tree if I bought it at Menard’s when I remembered the lot across from my old office.  I thought it was a Boy Scouts tree lot.  They HAD to do good things.  They HAVE to help me.  They MUST have a saw.  And, as a damsel, they’d probably GET A BADGE for loading my tree onto my vehicle.

Rah.

Off I went to the tree lot at Highway 55 and South Shore Drive in Plymouth.  I nodded and smiled at my old office as I pulled into place in the parking lot.  We’re cordial.  I walked over the little red house (I think it is a fishhouse on its off-hours) and noticed that the woman stuffing a Jimmy John’s submarine sandwich into her mouth was NOT a Boy Scout.

I apologized for disturbing her mid-bite and waited to ask her how “this whole thing works.”

It’s good to use flailing hand gestures and air-heady terms like “this whole thing” when you need help in the worst way.

As it turns out, people love being helpful.  I needed help, I asked for it, and I got it in spades.

The lot was run by the Rum River Tree Farm and there were five guys out and about who I was able to ask for assistance.  The one that I found seemed as pleased as punch to help out…and took particular glee in teasing me about how I was going to get my tree up to the third floor of an apartment building.  I assured him that if he hitched it up, I could take it from there.

And I did.

All by myself.

I had my new decorations all ready to go and took the next few days to put it all together.  After I pulled out some of the items from Christmases Past, I realized that I really did have my own ornaments.  Sure, they weren’t from my childhood, but it was a slap of reality that though I’d been single, I’d still been living the past ten years of my life.  And I had the ornaments to prove it.  I decorated my tree with a mish-mash of (somewhat) mismatched ornaments.

One is broken…they were right that I can’t be trusted.  But, I taped it.

What’d I do with my new fancy white and pink glass ball ornaments?

I made a centerpiece out of them.

My Christmas tree had its own damn ornaments.

I was cleaning my kitchen this morning after having my friend Eric over for dinner last night.  As I was playing Tetris with the dishwasher, I started grumbling a little bit.  I think a snarl snuck through my lips. This was the second dishwasher load from one meal prepared for two people.  Sure, Eric had helped me load and clean the night before…but there were more.

And then there were the snobs that were too good for the dishwasher.

Sigh.

I begrudgingly handwashed the Calphalon pans I’d used to prepare the supper of Pasta with Chicken Sausage, Caramelized Onions, and Alfredo Sauce.  With my delicate hands in the hot and soapy water, I thought about the Love Languages.

Have you heard of them?

There are apparently five different languages through which we give and receive Love.  I’ve heard about them on the street from more than three different people so I’m not going to quote anyone, but the Five Love Languages are Words, Touch, Service, Time, and Gifts.

For instance, I might not tell you that you are dear to me, but I’ll come over and watch your kid for a while…which would constitute Time and Service.  You might not buy me the Le Creuset set that I want (in red or blue), but you also know I’ll prefer spending the afternoon chatting about life at Starbucks…which would constitute Words and Time.  I don’t send birthday cards, but I’ll harmonize while singing “Happy Birthday” to you at your party…which would be, primarily, Time.  I love hearing my nephew tell me that he loves me, but I cherish it even more when he’s on my lap holding my face in his small hands as he says it…Words and Touch.

They can be a tad bit complicated to decipher, these Love Languages.  People may give Love in different ways than they’d prefer to receive Love.  The languages might overlap…or be misconstrued.  So, in an effort to make things more concrete and easy to understand, I came up with a new Love Language this morning.

Rather than arguing about whether it’d be Time or Service or Gifts or Touch, I propose that there be a sixth Love Language added.

Dishes.

You’ll know I love you when I’m still washing dishes the morning after.

I’ll know you love me when you helped me with the dishes the night before.

Simple.

Any other nominations?

The dream I was having this morning was probably more of a scary movie than a romance.  I think I was in what could most closely be compared to the house in “The Haunting,” with Liam Neeson, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Owen Wilson, and Lili Taylor.  Well, that was the most prominent home in the dream.  It was set in a park-like area with rolling hills, atop of each was a striking, stately house of grandeur.

I know that the tail end of the dream, before I finally succumbed to my waking impulse, was the scary part.  There was running.  There were dead people.  There was screaming.

Right before the horror was the dream sequence.  Can a dream have a dream sequence?  Mine did.

I had a boyfriend.

I don’t know what he looked like or whether or not he had a pleasant voice; I just remember him.  He was leading me through the opulent home…showing me his handiwork.  He was a wood carver.  There were indoor conservatories made of ornamental iron, glass, and carved wood…he proudly danced me to each of them so I could run my hands over his work; feel the intricacies with my fingertips.  Though we were merely touching each other, the contact was sensual.  We were feeling the other person, knowing the touch was real…knowing the contact was deliberate.

It was so simple.  So, almost…nothing.  It was something that could go completely unnoticed by another person; part of the story that leads from Scene 4 to Scene 5 in Act II.  To me, it was utterly romantic.

I know that it’s easy to think that the grass is greener in the land of relationships versus being single.  I wasn’t dreaming of some idyllic scene with a knight on white horse.  Heck, it ended with screams and death.  But, what I had for those short moments could be worth it.

This span between Thanksgiving and the New Year is difficult for me.  Every year, it seems like not being with someone echoes louder and louder in my empty apartment.  In my heart.  I logically know that I have a fine life as a single person.  But, when I let myself think about it, the loneliness is palpable.

Even when I don’t let myself think about it.

Like in my dreams.

I hope I can sleep late again tomorrow.

It’s 10:05PM on Thanksgiving Day–I’ve got less than two hours to write my List of Thanks for the year.  Without further ado…

I’m thankful that I am so tired.  I’m tired because I helped my 88-year old Gramma Ruby throw a Thanksgiving Day to beat all Thanksgiving Days…fifteen years after her husband died, on Thanksgiving Day.  I am thankful to spend time with her and listen to her stories…and soak up her recipes and techniques.  That generation still has so much to teach us before they pass, we need to keep up with them.

I’m thankful that I had two grandmothers for as long as I did.  Grandma Marcy was buried on Tuesday.  I was able to see her the weekend prior to her passing and say goodbye.  I inherited her glowing skin for which I am grateful.  I think I also inherited some of her steely edge.  I’m not sure if I’m thankful for that.

I’m thankful for Grendel.  He’s my dog.  He’s furry and funny.  He loves me.  He’s my soft and sassy sidekick.  More than that, he is my constant companion and my dependent.  I need him more than he needs me.  Much, much more.  Plus, he doesn’t snore.

I’m thankful for my family…every single member of it.  I’ve received so much support and love from them in what has been a tough year; probably my toughest.  I know I can count on them for anything. 

I’m thankful for my friends.  Weddings, babies, reunions, online interactions, coffees, walks, dinner parties, trips to Costco, CSA Tuesdays, late night showings of “New Moon,” rock picking, road trips, birthday surprises, freelancing gigs, and so much more in this past year…including forcing my hand to start blogging.  I thrive because of you.  You are the village that raises me.

I’m thankful for our current political administration and that I am not destitute since losing my job.  I can defer my student loans.  I can continue my medical insurance coverage at a reduced rate.  I am able to search for a job while being able to pay (most) of my bills.  I am once again proud of our country and look forward to seeing us be able to continue to take care of our own…as well as bring home our own.

I’m thankful for the breadth and depth of my abilities.  I am lovable and capable.  I do not doubt that I will continue to succeed, regardless of employment status.  May I never lose that faith.

Let me rephrase that: May I never lose faith.

I’m thankful for faith.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Grendel always helps me pack. There are my toiletries, some clothes, a pair of black heels...

...and, of course, a black corduroy jacket. Yes, the one the sassy blonde dog is lounging on. The one that he apparently doesn't want me to take with me. That one. Sigh.